Just Sleep On It

I just had my first moment of apprehension about leaving the hospital Saturday. I will have been here 24 days. I know the routine. I push a button and a person arrives asking, "Can I help you?" My leg was healed by a stranger in a dark green smock. Brian takes me for radiation everyday. Helen drops by daily for laughs and grins. Joy makes me exercise. My bed has buttons for up, down and sideways.

I can order any food I want. In fact, I've eaten everything everyday and gained 1/10 of a pound. I have seven items of clothing which is plenty for a month. No makeup and horrible hair. And then I look 80 and just like my mother. (No one wants to look like their 80 year old mother.) I'm just not sure about change. I do have 4 hours of chemotherapy tomorrow morning. That often brings a prestressed attitude. I've never had a bad experience so what's up.

Oh, and Shelby and Paige have normal days out in the real world tomorrow. A raw waft of depression must have just come sweeping through the room. Being home will be different and quiet. Cats and naps. The Pacific Ocean just out the window. The real world with challenges and uncertainties. Hmmm, depression has been a friend of mine for many years, maybe it missed me too. If I feed it then a 'heavy attitudinal weight' is certainly pumped up by all of the attention. Therefore, by looking forward to depression and fear I might reroute the flow of that river of tears.

Having something to look forward to is the usual medicine. The only blockage is that when depressed you don't really want to make yourself happy. Shucks, there is a trick move in here somewhere and "Checkmate" is proclaimed.  Or do I declare, yippee a trip to Trader Joe's. Maybe the cuddle nap with two white cats. Actually, my Tempur-Pedic mattress is number one in the running at the moment. Over the next 36 hours I will ponder wants and wishes with some sorrow. Hell, I don't even want a new iPhone.

As I said, depression is an old friend of mine.

After a full night sleep the choice is a 'full hair color and style change'. The fact that I'm not losing my hair was the 'checkmate' moment. "Just sleep on it," is often still the wisest solution.

Sadness is a wall between two gardens. Khalil Gibran